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procrastination to the MAX

I'm procrastinating. I should be writing a term paper, an essay for Rhetoric, and a paper for anthropology...but i'm not. I can't get in the mind set for school work soo..i'll just update here until i do. =]

Sooo. Ashley. She messaged me on facebook explaining that she doesn't understand why i hate her and that she never said anything about joe. BULL SHIT. she then was like i want to be friends and i dont' understand why you hate me! WAAAH. So then i wrote her back and was just like, "honestly ashley, i don't know who to believe. put yourself in my position. random ppl are asking joe if you guys hooked up. who the hell is starting these rumors? if it's you then put it to rest, bc i'm getting pretty heated about it. if it's not and you and i are just innocent bystanders then i am sorry. but it's hard to be friends with some one i don't trust" and then it went on from there and basically she said she would never say something like that about another girls boyfriend. BULL SHIT. and that she has more respect for herself than to just sleep with any guy. BULL SHIT. so i ended it just by saying, "whatever. just tell everybody the truth and everything will be fine. because people like drama and thats what theyre feeding off of right now. so just tell everybody that nothing is going on between you two and everything will be fine." and that was that. i wasn't going to waste too much time on her cause she's not worth it. moving on...

sooo. Rachel. she kind of acting like nothing ever happened. although when i say certain things she makes faces. so whatever. i'm over this shit. i'm ready to get out of here. she's obviously not my friend. and i have more opportunities ahead of me because....

I MADE THE U of ILLINOIS ALL-GIRL COMPETITIVE CHEER SQUAD!!!!!! i tried out this weekend and i made it!! my friend nicole tried out too but she made it as an alternate, which means she has to retryout in the fall after summer practices and camp to see if she has improved and to see if she deserves to be on the squad. I hope she does!! cause we were on cheerleading together in high school and it would be soo much fun with her!! AHH! i'm so excited. i'm definitely looking forward to this next coming year. It'll give me something to think about and something to take my mind off of joseph leaving....

soo. yeah. thats it.


Ashley and Rachel can FUCK OFF.

there is something seriously wrong. it seems that i am attracting soo many bitchy people. and i have no idea how i am supposed to deal with it.

First this is the longest story ever, so i'm gonna try to shorten it as best i can. So joseph's best friend Blair Springfield is dating this girl named Melissa Lamb. Well melissa is good friends with her cousin Ashley Lamb. Okay. So we all used to hang out (among others) and just chill, drink, and have a good time. Well Ashley and Melissa come from a background where cheating on your spouse is kind of the norm. Soo...that basically the type of person Ashley is. So we were at this party one night and she was being super flirty with Joseph and Blair. Well after Joe and I left she basically told everyone that she was going to have sex with joseph and "steal him away" from me. She was SOBER when she said this. So this little bitch thinks that she can just have whatever she wants whenever she wants. So Melissa's best friend Megan (who i am also really good friends with) told me what was up the next day and what Ashley had said. I told joseph and his response was basically. "What the fuck. well it's not gonna happen." So then we both decided we would never hang out with her every again.
So all of that blew over and this happened about 2 months ago. So everything was fine. Well about last weekend while joseph and i were out together he gets a phone call from his friend michael asking him if he ever messed around with Ashley Lamb. Joseph of course has not. And michael replied, "Okay, I knew you would never do that to sam, so i was just asking." and that was that. joseph told me and i was basically just like, "WTF. who is spreading these rumors?" we don't know. and there really is no way to find out.
So the main problem? A few of Blair and Joseph's friends still hang with her and don't believe that she ever said that. Which is ridiculous. Because Blair is dating Melissa, her cousin and Ashley is even trying to get at him!!
Anyway, so SUPRISE, jonathan is taking her to prom. Joseph's senior prom. And the catch? We are in the same group. So i am going to be force to sit down at dinner with this bitch who thinks she can have whatever the hell she wants. And it makes me sooo pissed off. But i promised joseph that i would not do anything to ruin his senior prom....unless she provokes me. which hopefully she will not. So prom is next weekend and i shall update my journal on anything else that happens relating to it.

Next subject. I'm not gonna go into full detail because it is WAY WAY too complicated. So here is the jist. Rachel Yelin and I met here at school and became pretty good friends. We hung out, talked about things, took care of each other's drunk asses, and basically considered each other best friends. Well i introduced her to Gilmore Girls and we made a habbit of watching them in order together. Until our friend Maura came in and decided to fuck it all up. which pissed me off. but whatever i'm not gonna fight about it. so that happened about 4 months ago. Anyway tonight at dinner we are sitting there and maura said a joke about gilmore girls and i completely missed it and she said, "Oh i guess sam doesn't think it was that funny." I didn't even hear what she said so i asked her to repeat it and she did and i was like, "Oh. ha.ha. thats funny." just trying to be polite. So then the converstation after that is as follows:

Maura:"Hey Rachel! Remember that one time when i switched the disks on Gilmore Girls and Sam got SUPER pissed!!"
Rachel:"OMG yeah! I TOTALLY remember that! You were so fucking pissed Sam!!"
Me: "I wasn't pissed, I was just kinda mad because it messed everything up. I wasn't worth it to really argue about it though..."
M:"God forbid, sam, that we EVER switch the episodes and watch them out of order! the horror!"
R: "Oh no Sam, you were fucking pissed, you were sooo mad! Look at you! You're even mad now! You're soo fucking pissed!"
M: *laughter*
Me:"No, i wasn't pissed when you guys did it, but now i'm starting to get pissed because you guys won't drop it."
R:"Oh! Well it doesn't even matter anymore now does it! Because in a week we'll all be gone and you don't even have to fucking see us anymore!! It doesn't fucking even matter! You won't have to fucking talk to us anymore! Which doesn't matter anyway because you go home every fucking weekend! So you're never here anyway! So it doesn't even fucking matter that you're mad! Cause you don't ever have to see us ever again!!!"
Me: *silence*
Lauren:"Okay, thats enough."

The conversation then ended and i got up and left.
I could not believe that Rachel went and said all that stuff to me. It was like completely bizarre. I didn't even know what to say back to her because i was so stunned. I had no idea what had just happened and the only thing i knew to do was to remove myself from the situation. I should have seen it coming though. Because ever since spring break she has kind of been rude to me and ignoring me. I'd text her to go to lunch and she wouldn't even reply. I never saw her. The only time i had seen her before then was when she came to my room to get back her candles. I honestly don't understand it. and i can't imagine that i did anything to make her mad at me. So at this point i am considering our friendship over. And she's right. after this next week. I never have to speak to her ever again. which after tonight, i'm perfectly fine with. It just sucks to be slapped in the face by someone i thought was my good friend.

When i told joseph he completely went off. He wanted to come here and slap all of them and "beat their asses" which i doubt he would actually have the balls to touch them. But i'm pretty sure he would have said some very hateful things to them. and i definitely would not have stopped him. But it's okay. I'm ready to get out of here. go home. rest. and come back for a brand new start.

p.s. joseph hit a homerun today in his baseball game!! but no one was there to see it! I was here at school. His dad was at work. and his mom was on her way to the game. I felt horrible that i wasn't there. but he was completely excited. it was adorable.


I HATE jeremy.
he's a dick.
I can't believe i ever saw ANYTHING positive in him.
I regret ever dating him.


wow. its April. (almost May) and I will be done with my freshman year in about a week and a half. WHAT THE FUCK. why is my life flashing before my eyes. in three years i will be graduating. WHAT THE FUCK. reality check.

So on to the important stuufff. yes, joseph and i are still together. We celebrated are one year anniversary back in feburary and now were coming up to a year and 3 months. I'm extremely happy and comfortable in this relationship. But i'm starting to wonder. Am i only with him because i'm comfortable with it? I've been debating this in my head for quite some time now. I am so in love with him it's crazy. BUT he's leaving in the fall to go away to school. a far, far away school. in Idaho. BYU-Idaho to be exact. How do i feel? like shit. what do i do? nothing.

Thinking about him leaving really just breaks my heart. We both have given so much to this relationship and it sucks to think that it might just all end with one event. Of course one always thinks about their relationship lasting forever. But i've had to really think about this. He is still a senior in high school. (well kind of. hes graduating in like 3 weeks) We're gonna have a great summer together and then it's all just going to end? How can i accept that? Can you force yourself to fall out of love with someone? When he leaves am i gonna be able to move on and accept the fact that we are over? How does someone do that? I don't know. I am happy at this stage in my life. I don't like change. Especially now because I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS COMING NEXT. Going away to college is like gambling. Every little thing can change in like a second. Things happen and people can make completely different decisions just because they want to. How is this relevant? I do not know. At this point i am just rambling on.

What it comes down to is that our relationship works. We are comfortable with each other. We talk, we laugh, we know how each other feels. BUT What if joseph ends up thinking that he doesn't love me and that we don't belong together, but i do. or vice versa. How do we deal? He's going away and he doesn't plan to come back. If this is meant to be, how in the world will all this work out? Will i be happy with what happens? I mean i guess i will have to be. I'll have to accept it at the very least. life sucks. i hate change. i love joseph. FML.

a long time.

So tomorrow is mine and Josephs 8th month anniversary.
I'm so happy that we've been together this long and we're still going strong.
I know that whatever happens between us happens and either we will be together, or we won't.
But either way we have had a amazing relationship. And i couldn't ask for a greater guy. =]


i hate not knowing how to do my homework!

and i'm such a procrastinator. lol


its school time already.
what the hell. where did the summer go?
sorry it's taken me awhile to get back on.
life is pretty fantasic right about now.
i'm a freshman at the University of Illinois. It's pretty great. My roomate is awesome, we definitely get along. I've met a few other girls that i hang out with so it's fun. Joseph and i are amazing. And we're still together. =] We're coming up on our 7th month! It's hard being away from him during the week because i just love being with him 24/7. But most weekend we're able to see each other whether i go there, or he comes here. Recently its been me going there because a] he sprained his right ankle at a soccer tournament so he could drive for a bit...and now that he's better...b] he's license is suspended for three months because hes had two tickets and a written warning. soo..he's kinda of stuck where he is. lol so i usually go home and spend the entire weekend with him.

My classes are great. Majority of them are easy a few are hard. But i'm definitely enjoying school. =] It gets hard to meet people though because theres SOOOO many people here. But i'll get used to it i hope.

Anyway. I just thought i'd come by and drop a line. My next class starts in a few so i gotta get going.


one of my bridesmaids.

okay so about my best friend's going away party.
rachel and i have known each other ever since elementary school. her parents have been divorced ever since i can remember, and she lived with her mother and older sister. they always were fine and never really had financial problems. her father lived in virginia, which is where rachel spent the beginning part of her childhood. anyway. i met her father in about 4th grade when he came into town and took us and a bunch of rachel's other friends out to pizza hut for lunch. it was a grand old time. lol but she had grown up mainly under her mother's rule for lack of better words. anyway. last year her mother quit her full time job because of something unfair, or something with her salary that she was not told about...i don't really know its all very confusing. so her mother was without a job. they did fine...for a while. but soon their savings began to run out and her mother's new part-time job was not able to supply the family with all of their needs. around this time is when i started dating joseph and spending a lot of time with him. also around this time is when rachel hurt her back, went to the doctor, and was told that she had 3 herniated disks in her back. (sp?) so every penny her mother (and older sister) recieved was put towards rachel's medical bills. well eventually rachel's mother, michelle, was not able to afford any payments on the house and they were not able to live there. by this time rachel's back had healed, but the family was beginning to fight. michelle ended up moving in with her mother, rachel's grandmother. and rachel moved in with her father's parents, her other grandparents. whittney (rachel's older sister) moved in with another friend. anyway. rachel was upset and her mother and her began fighting all the time, like terrible fighting. anyway rachel had called her father since he was coming up here for her graduation and he told her that he wanted her to moved down there with him and live with him and his wife, rachel's step-mother, and their family. rachel agreed because she had already applied to a collge down there and would recieve $10,000 dollars every year from the college. so the plan was that after rachel graduated within the next week she'd pack up her belongings and return to virginia with her dad. so when i was told this i was crushed because we hadn't really hungout a whole lot because we kind of had a falling out, but then we got over it but by the time we became good friends again she was leaving. so our friend mary and i decided to throw her a suprise going away party! the only problem was that night there was a huge storm with tornado sirens going off and huge flood waters taking over the streets. the plan was for everyone to arrive around 7:45 and her to arrive around 8:15. well because of the fucking tornado no one could leave my house. so we all kinda partied without her for a good hour before there was a big enough break for joseph and i to run out and get her from the small town about 10mins outside of the one we all lived in. it was really scary too because everytime the lightning flashed you could see the crazy funnel clouds and huge black clouds covering the sky. we finally picked her up, and by that time she kinda caught on to what was going on and it kinda blew the whole suprise. but when we got back to my house we all partied and had a blast. then at the end of the night we said our long tearful goodbyes. i gave her a going away gift which was a huge picture frame that had pictures of us in it. it was really cute if i do say so myself. lol anyway. the plan is for her to come back a little later in the summer and hopefully she'll stay with me. maybe for a week or so. it should be the bomb either way. i'm crazy excited. but i really miss her. and it's gonna suck when school starts and i can't just call her and be like, "rae rae come party with me" o well. we'll figure something out, cause she's def. gonna be one of my bridesmaids. =]

my love story

wow where do i begin?
joseph and i balance each other completely.
i have fallen extremely hard. and you know how people always categorize the beginning happy part of a couples relationship as the "honeymoon" stage and then its supposively all downhill afterwards. well thats not how we are at all. i honestly feel as though the fire could never be put out in our relationship so to speak. we're so alike, but yet so different as well. and we're both givers so we each try to do things for the other person which makes things equal. I'm not gonna lie we tend to fight a bit. but the best part is we push past it. we always talk it over and we don't keep things from each other. we have worked through each thing that we have encountered and its always turns out great. Some people think its bad news or whatever to say this but i'm just gonna say it, i could honestly see myself with him for the rest of my life and even beyond that. i'm not saying now. because theres still so much that both of us has yet to do. like my college and his mission and then eventually his college too. but to be honest, i do not see myself staying here in Illinois. I mean its a great place to live, and this town is a great town. but theres so much else i want to do and see and other places i def. want to live. like i've always wanted to live in california. i've never been there, so maybe once i've been there i'll change my mind...but i doubt it. lol and thats exactly where joseph wants to end up. i'm not saying that i def. know that i'll marry him, because i don't. i have no clue what God's plan for me is. but i can definitely see he and i building a family together. but i guess for now i'll just have to wait it out and see what happens.

it was kinda cute and funny but today we went to walmart to get soda and chips for my friend rachel's going away part (more about that later) and so he went and got us a cart and we put all of our stuff in it and i set my purse in the front toddler seat or w.e. and we were pushing the cart and he out of the blue said, "we kinda look like a married couple." and i laughed and said, "yeah. we just need a toddler up here pulling things off the aisles as we pass" and he just started laughing. then we went to check out and he was kinda throwing the soda back into the cart and i was like, "joseph you're gonna make them all fizzy." and he just kinda replied, "so what. haha. people will still drink them." and i just rolled my eyes and he said, "look, we're already bickering like an old married couple. haha" it was just kinda cute and i just kinda looked at him laughing and thought, i want that. this. i want us to be like that. the cute married couple with kids, goofing around in the store. but i guess i'll have to just wait to see if thats how my love story goes.

prom! =]

this saturday is my senior prom.
annd i'm so incredibly excited.

and i am incredibly in love with joseph.
the other day i was looking through my old pictures because i needed some old ones for this graduation paper thing. idk how to explain it.
soooo i'm looking through this stuff and guess what i found. An old picture of joseph and me from my 8th grade send off dance. where everything between us first started.
i just stared at the picture and started screaming, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!" over and over again.
i kept looking through the other pictures and i found another picture of us from my last day of 8th grade. the same day he gave me my first kiss.
i had another "oh my god" episode. and then i calmed down.
but the next day i showed him those pictures and he was like, "oh dear god." and then he went on to complain about how he looked so tiny in that picture. etc. etc.
but i thought it was insane how i found those pictures.
and the fact that we took those pictures. i was just soo incredibly happy.

annnnd then the other day we were in the car talking about "us". and i was talking about how i went against my usual rule of not messing around until i'm actually in a relationship. and he was like, "it's okay we were headed in that direction." and i was just like, "noo. cause we didn't know at the time." and then i was like, "guuuh i feel like a whore." and he was like "you're not a whore! we're in a steady relationship! and i was just like, "yeah. but we weren't then! i don't mess around with a guy until i know i'm gonna be with him." and he just looked at me and said, "baby it's okay. we're meant to be together." and i just smiled and in my head i was like. whhhaaat? cause of that whole ex-kjirsten thingy. idk. again. i overanalyze things too much. but parts of me wonder exactly what he meant by that. but another part of me doesn't want to again OVERANALYZE things. even though thats what i'm best at. o well.

i'm out. i'm headed to a "makeup" dinner with rachel. we're going out to eat to sit and chat about our friendship and what went wrong etc. etc. it should be exciting.




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